RICE VS COOKIE
by djlee6
Summary: A story about the war between the Krispies and the Keeblers! Crack fic and later character death...changed to M to be safe...
1. Chapter 1

ok, so I was watching family guy with my cousin and it was on the episope where the rice krispy guys were attacked by the keebler elves and she said "that make an awesome fanfic" and i said "whats theyre names? we can make that happen."

so here u ppl go

disclaimer: i dont own these ppl. i own the ideas. i'll tell u when i own something

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It was a regular day with regular little elves who are the three rice krispy guys. (A/N: i think theyre elves so thats what they will be called.)

Snap-the red haired one-was playing with the squirels out in the yard, laughing and he poked them with sticked and made them run all over the place. "HAHAHAHAHA!!! I GET CHU ALLLLLL!!!!" He declared as he made them all run in circles with his elf magic.

Crackel-the blonde with dread locks-was watching him through the large sliding glass doors with a bored expression. "Those poor fucking squirels," he mumbled. He turned to Pop-the douchebag with the uniform and brown hair-and gave him a nasty look. "Why the fuck are you doing paper work?! It's our day off!"

Pop looked up from his mess of paperwork and his furious typing on his laptop. He was completely disheveled and his eyes were blood shot from going for five days without sleep. "Menoshiyip gud fortay! Polytominve!!" He shouted waving his arms around crazily.

Crackel rose an eyebrow. "Pop, think before you say each word. Think...carefully..."

Pop nodded quickly and took a veeeerrrrrryyyyy deep breath. "Get me some coffe! Please!!" Crackel shugged and headed toward the kitchen. He came back to the desk and looked over the mess and examined the work done as Pop chugged the dark contents of the jusg that was bigger then his head.

"So, what are you even working on? Must be damn important if you refuse to go to bed," Crackel interrogated.

Pop just set the jug(now empty) down and faced Crackel. "I need to come up with a plan to move out stuff out of the reach of Eernie and his army-"

"Oh, for fucks sake! Don't bring that up!" Crackel threw his arms up in defeat and strode over to the couch to watch tv and ignore his paranoid buddy.

Pop jumped from his seat and moved across the room and over to the blonde. "B-but it's true! They want to take us down and pin us, and tie us, and cover us with oil, and burn us with cigerettes, and make us go all 'ohhhhuggggghhhh'." Pop ended his speech by falling to the floor dramatically, clutching his throat and fake-chocking.

Crackel stared down at him, wide-eyed. "...First of all, there is nothing going on with the Keebler elves."

Pop gave Crackel a disbelieving expression, not bothering to move from the floor. "But-"

"Second," Crackel went on, "we met Eernie a couple months ago at that mini-mall opening, and he was talking with us fine. He even asked if we'd like to do a project with him. And third...why would they need to cover us with oil?"

Before Pop could give a response, Snap came in through the sliding door, covered in dirt with his left eye bruised and a few teeth missing, grinning widely.

Pop jumped from his spot (A/N: whoooaaahhhhh!!! matrix on yo ass!! XD) and rushed over to the red head. "What happened to you?! Have the elves struck?!"

"_We're_ elves, dumbass," called Crackel from the couch, watching the tv.

Pop ignored him as twirled Snape around trying to find out how hurt the redette was. Snap just laughed. "WHEEEE!!!" He cheered as kept going on after Pop let him go.

"Well?!" Pop insisted. "Did those damn Keeblers get ya?!"

Snap turned to him and shook his head, still grinning. "Nuh-uh. Those kitties out there gave me hugs and kisses!! KISSES FOR MEH!!! WHEEE!!!" Snap then ran off doen the hall and to his room.

Pop just stared down the hallway and blinked, not sure how to react.

Crackel gave a short glance to the brunette before smiling and looking back toward the tv. "I bet you feel so proud right now, huh?"

Pop rolled his eyes and just went back to his desk. "Whatever. I know Eernie is up to something. During the opening ceremony, he had been talking with one of his henchmen and handed him a small and thick-"

"Ha! Small and thick!"

"...a small and thick white envelope. You know what was in it? Cash! He's bribing people so that he can still be in business! I just know it! I mean, how many people do you know that stash Keebler cookies in their cupboard?"

"A lot more people than the ones that stash our cerel. I told you we sould have invested in Windows!"

"Who cares about windows!?"

"I meant the computers,"

"SHUT IT!!! He's gunna kill us!"

Crackel threw his head back in laughter. "Kill us? Are you insane?! We're not even competetion! Why would he kill us?"

"I'LL KILL THOSE KRISPY FUCKS!!" Eernie bellowed to himself. He was in his little office, pacing back and forth. He had just gotten a paper with the results for a recently done poll that stated that people would easily choose a rice krispy bar as a treat over a keebler cookie.

Now he was pissed.

Seriously, who would have thought a company that makes cookies would ever have to worry about a company that makes bland-flavored, dried rice fucking ceriel!?!?

But not to worry...those idiots would be out of his hair soon enough...

*insert evil laugh*

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so what do u all think?

plz comment and review! i need ideas!! and luv...cry for me....

peace out and let me c the luv so i can keep writing this!!


	2. Chapter 2

chapter two is up

i knew i said that i may not keep writng unless i got comments, but i started listening to the song "shut up and sleep with me" and i felt oddly inspired

dont worry, im planning any yaoi or crap. but if it happens, meh. u can all blame those fucking plot bunnies. -.-;; they hate me

anywho...enjoy and review.

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It had been two days since those fucking krispy dudes had the conversation about the Keeblers and their likeness to a lame ass type of mafia. Pop was still so paranoid that to anyone who didnt know him, they would think he just took a bunch of acid. Crackel just watched tv and prepared his speech for another huge mall opening. And Snap...

Snap was banned from playing with the "little kitties" after one had given him a cracked rib. So he was singing along with a disney sing-along video in the living room.

As Snap was doing that, Pop was finishing gathering up all of his paperwork and clearing his 'plans' off his desk and headed off to the back bedrooms to put everything away, mumbling to himself about how much Jude Hursh was a total douchebag. After putting everything up (A/N:elf magic bitches!!) he began looking for all of his formal stuff. He had to dress for the opening that night, but he found that he had no tye.

...And that pissed him off.

So he stomped over to Crackel's room a couple doors down (we can all hear Snap sing Carameldansen) and didn't bother knocking, slamming the door open. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY-?!" He stopped in mid-sentence to flush in just looked over to the door, confused. And half naked.

If the defention for 'half naked' is 'only in boxers'.

Poor Pop.

But Crackel was being all spacey and for some fucktard reason didnt at all notice that Pop was as red as a tomato (A/N: Cause we all know tomatoes can also be green, kiddes.) and just looked at him with a dumb 'what do you want' look.

"Have I seen your what?" The blonde asked.

Pop snapped (A/N: ha! snap! XD) back into reality and shook his head to the piont of dizziness. "I was wondering if you had seen my tye..." He asked as he regained his balance.

Crackel nodded and headed toward his dresser to dig through the top drawer, giving Pop a great view of his non-existant ass. (A/N: i mean, come ppl, he's a white cracker! lol!! but serously, stereo types r wrong.) He turned back to hand Pop a red tie to go with his red tux.

Pop nodded and took the accessory. "Thanks," he mumbled. He was still flushed and was about to turn out of the room to make a quick get away.

"Go Gryfindor," Crackel cheered momotone, one hand punched upward in salute.

But Pop had missed the display, running to his room and slamming the door behind him.

'_What was that all about?!" _

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haha. poor pop. he cant catch a break.

damn plot bunnies made me go yaoi on yo asses.

plz review. i need u all


	3. Chapter 3

okay, so i finally saw that this fic had reviews that i got like...FOREVER ago! so i freaked thinking 'omg i lost my only fan!*sob*

anyway, if ur still reading this, here's chatper three :P

You would think a mall opening would be a boring event with a lot of people just standing around. Well, not when the Trio is invited (bitches! XD) Then what was supposed to be a little fun becomes a fucking jersey party! (seriously, crazy jersey people know how to loose their minds)

Pop was paranoid as hell of running into Eernie. The guy might have been old, but he had a temper. like...when you have a really strict grandpa.

"Pop!" Ah hell!

Pop nearly feel to the floor and thought for an instant that maybe he could fake a seizure or something, but then bit his lip and gained his composure before tunring to address the elder elf. "Eernie, so good to see you!" Pop shook the older elf's hand, then cursed himself when Eernie looked uncomfortable and looked at his hand. Pop was sweating so much that his hands had that clammy feel, not to mention that they were soaked.

"Yes," the old elf mumbled. "you too...Are you having fun?" On the outside, Eernie looked like a confused old man, but inside, he was hetic. 'What the hell is he sweating for? does he know my plan! no...impossible!'

"Yeah, I am," Pop lied, noticibly forcing a smile that looked more like he was in pain...horrible PAIN! (insert three days grace 'pain'...u know, for dramatic effect!  
bwahahahaha!)

"Well good...where are your friends, son?"

"My friends?" 'I have friends...?'...OH! "Oh! my friends! Yes, theyre..."Pop looked around the room in a rush, everything blurring together until he saw Crackle by the stereo. "THERE! Please excuse me!" Pop rushed over to his blonde friend, leaving behind his feared enemy (dun dun da dun!). He sighed a huge breath of relief and tunred to Crackle, suddenly realizing that the blonde was signing the song blasting from the nearby speakers...

Peacock.

'Fuck my life,' Pop thought. He bit his lip and tapped on Crackle's shoulder. The blonde gave him a bored stare as though thinking 'oh there he is'. "Where's Snap?"  
Pop asked loudly, hoping Crackle could hear him. Crackle, still signing along to the music, just shrugged and dragged Pop behind him; his weird way of saying let's go look for the dumbass.

Once they were away from the music, Crackle slowed his pace so the two were walking side by side (awwness lol not!). "The old man was lookin for ya," Crackle stated casually.

"You knew Eernie wanted to talk to me!"

"Yeah, you were gone though," the blonde shrugged.

"He spoke to me!"

"Oh...well then you already know."

"Why didn't you find me so we could leave!"

"...because I didnt feel like it? Why are you so worked up? Did the old perv try to rape u or some shit?"

The mention of rape made Pop run into the metal surrounding of the double doors of the back fire exit...which was open for some weird reason. "Crackle, YOUR THE PERV!"

Before the blonde could answer with some smartass comment, the uptight burnette stormed off in search of Snap. They needed to leave! NOW!

Eventually, they found Snap gluing chopsticks to a tree.

"SNAP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

Snap, clueless as ever just smiled at his roommates. "Loookit! I made more sticks!"

"...you... made sticks?" Crackle mused, looking at the redhead's work.

"Whatever! Let's go home! NOW!"

"How do you make sticks?" Crackle went on as he fallowed Pop dragging Snap to the car. The three were clueless to the fact that Eernie and his right hand man were watching them leave.

Eernie smirked as they drove off. They'd be out of his hair soon enough.

well, thats chapter three...not as much randomness but thats because this was more pop focused lmao

review plz! XD 


	4. Chapter 4

okay so im writin more cuz i can! DANCE PLOT BUNNIES DANCE! XD

anyway, here is chatper four! meowness!

Pop couldn't work. but it wasnt his fault! after seeing Eernie at the party last night, he couldnt do anything! it seemed like no mater what he did, the old elf would be watching his every move...

"hey dumbass,"

"AHH! DONT HURT MY GRANDMA!" Pop screamed, falling to the floor and flailing like an idiot.

Crackle just watched from the door, trying to be patient as Pop calmed down from his episode."uh huh.."

Pop blushed furiously from Crackle seeing him flip out. "What is it?"

"Eernie's on line 2...course dont see why i have to tell u that! im not ur fucing secretary!" He ranted before retreating to his room again.

Pop paled and gulped loudly, taking a shaky breath and sitting back down in his plush wheelie chair (idk the actual name for em). He bit his lip and pressed the flashing 2 button. "Hello?"

"Hello, Pop! How are you today?"

"Fine!"

"Well that's good..."

The room was unbearable silent...Pop wondered what in the hell he was supposed to say. "So...What did you need sir?"

"Actually, it's what you need,son,"

'What I need?' Pop bit his lip in confusion. "What do you mean, sir?"

Eernie sighed into the phone. "Son, I won't lie; you have done very well for yourself. You've made a product that has lasted years and has brought smiles to many children's faces..."

Pop smiled a little. That was the whole reason he wanted this job: to make kids happy.

"But I can't say Im happy that you've stuck with those two...well...partners...of yours."

"Snap and Crackle? I don't understand...What's wrong with them?"

"Son, you seem to be the one doing all the work...Do they ever help you?"

On the other line, Eernie was feeling very confident with himself. After seeing that display at the party, he figured why not puch them to hate eachother? Then maybe a nice responsible lad like Pop could come over to his company...maybe work together? Making money off of the little asses seemed like more fun than just kiliing them.

But he wasn't expecting the response he got: "Of course they help me."

Pop was now relaxed. So Eernie wasn't going to threaten him. He just wanted to mock Snap and Crackle. "Sir, they may not seem like much, but they've done a lot for the products we sell." It was true: if Crackle hadn't pushed them to sell their treats and if Pop hadnt made them a relatable group to the kids, Rice Krispies would never had made it onto the shelves, let alone off of them.

"It certainly doesn't look that way!" Eernie was desperate now. How in the hell could a msart kid like Pop not realize that his partners were dumbasses!

"I appreciate your concern, sir, but I have some work I need to get done." Just like that the line was dead.

Eernie growled in a rage and pulled the phone from the wall before tossing it across the room. "YOU'RE DEAD YOU LITTLE FUCK!"

With Pop, he sighed and leaned back into his chair. What had happened to all that fear he had? It seemed like Eernie wasn't a threat. Suddenly Pop blushed and laughs a little to himself. All those months he was so worried, only to recieve a phone call that Crackle and Snap weren't good enough!

'So I was worked up all because I thought he wanted me dead, when really he just wanted to buy us out?' Pop just shrugged and began working on agian, a small smile on his face. It seemed like the storm had passed.

okay i know this was a bit more serious, but it'll get that way...i mean,...there is character death later u know? anyway, plz read n review! :) 


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